As a newly enrolled healthcare student at Barts and The London, there are several topics you must learn to form your founda­tion of medical science. These will get you well and truly prepared for the coming years delving into the world of clinical medicine. For any of you budding surgeons out there, I’ve got two pieces of advice: 1) book some therapy sessions because my god why would you do that to yourself, and 2) make sure your anatomy knowledge is stronger than the smell of cannabis around Whitechapel.

Whilst I can’t help you with the former, the latter is a different matter. To get you guys well and truly on top of your revision early on, I’ve managed to track down some of the finest MBBS year one and two anato­my overview notes from a nameless grad­uate (why their parents didn’t give them a name I’ll never know) whose anatomical acumen was second only to their spotless record on the dance floor at The Griff Inn.

Head and Neck

Brain

It is important to note that brain capacity decreases with each night out you go on. But as the pass mark for year one and two progress test is 50%, every percentage point above 50% you get, you have to make up for it with another night out.

Face

Tear ducts will be generally overactive around May-July every year. This is normal. The sensitivity of the nose to raw fish in Barts and The Lon­don students is drastically re­duced due to the proximity to Whitechapel market.

Thorax

Cardiovascular system key facts

The heart and lungs are important as­pects of any student’s anatomy.  It should be noted that 5 years of liv­ing in London is the equivalent of pas­sively smoking 770 cigarettes. Smoking is very bad for you and you shouldn’t start smoking. Unless you’re considering vaping, in which case please start smoking instead. The central line WILL permanently stain your airways a tarry black. Freshers‘ flu does not go away. You don’t get better after a Lemsip and a couple days rest. You just learn to deal with functioning at a lower level for the rest of your life.

Abdomen

Liver and gastrointestinal system key facts

It is important to regularly ex­ercise your liver. Most stud­ies recommend at least one evening a week between the ages of 18 and 25, usually Wednesdays, usually followed by questionable dancing, usually followed by a regretful 1AM Maccies. Case reports indicate that Barts and The London stu­dents have some of the high­est spice tolerance of any students in London. Other fla­vour profiles across London universities include GKT be­ing bitter, RUMS being salty, and ICSM being sour. SGUL still haven’t worked out which way round to hold the spoon. Liver? I hardly know her!

Kidneys and a Spleen key facts

Not to be confused for paediatric lower limb anatomy, the kidneys produce urine and deal with acid base balance, whereas the kid knees are common sites for Os­good-Schlatters disease.
Honestly what even is the spleen?

Urogenital system

UTIs are no laughing matter. Antibiotic resistance is on the rise, colistin resistant microbes are becom­ing more and more frequent, so PLEASE pee after sex. Note: Peeing after sex will not stop STIs or preg­nancy.