“Cause every moment is a fork in the road and all my roads lead back to you”

You are the source of all problems in my life

If I believed, you would be the antithesis of Christ.

And yet in some twisted way, I can’t stop loving you

In this sick, sadistic way that children do.

“I saw you in a dream, you had stayed the same”

Your leaving truly crunched me to the core

You’ve changed and I can’t bare it anymore

New clothes, clean shaven, you act different

But the old you won’t get out of my system.

“Who could ever leave me, darling, but who could stay?”

My biggest insecurities are finding the light,

When externally my future seems so bright.

But my past is finding ways of creeping in,

Photographic reminders of my original sins.

“These things don’t happen to anybody like you”

I start fumbling, still highly functioning-

Nobody can see my innards crumbling.

Ever the cheerful one, the joker, the gag

In my room: the tearful one, a hoaxer, a hag.

“I thought I was moving on, but I guess I was just switching off”

It comes in waves: the ebbs, the flows

The ‘feeling fine’s and the sinking lows.

This is all building up, my brain shuts down

With each day, I am making less sound.

“Everybody’s changing, blooming and moving on.”

Viewing life through the shop window

My skull translucent glass I can’t see through.

My eyes in a haze, transfixed to the pain

My thoughts running havoc, doused in shame.

“And the faces that you love are slowly giving up”

Is my mum the only person who’d grieve?

My only pillar, the one who’ll never leave?

If nobody likes me, am I worthy of this?

Sometimes I think I wouldn’t be missed.

“Like the moon we borrow our light, I am nothing but a shadow in the night”

I know I need help, that’s half the battle

But fake happy is all I have in my satchel.

Sapping off others’ sunlight, I am a moon

I need people to surround me, my cocoon.

“’Cause now that I want to live, well, everybody around me is dying”

Even when I begin to find my strength,

And my mind I slowly start to cleanse.

Unrepairable damage to my once friends

Crushed bridges, unable to make amends.

“You caught the same train, and you took it back to the same place”

Change my thoughts, change my routine

Slowly repairing a problematic machine.

Learning to leave poisonous personalities

When clinging on has been my normality.

“I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror, saying ‘Don’t leave me now’”

Pleasures in life don’t come without the pain

Of course, I’ve discovered that the hard way

And realise that I’ll never come back full circle

I’ve learnt that life’s lessons come in spirals.

“But goddamn, you got me in love again”

How annoying I had to go through all that,

Endlessly punishing, making myself feel crap,

To conclude that people aren’t too bad after all,

At least next time I hope I catch me when I fall.