2023 Recap - The year in politics
I think it’s fair to say there does seem to be a few people that are a tad upset at the current government right now. Everywhere you see, people have decided that they hate the government so much, they’ll stand outside their work in British weather grumbling and moaning that the government hates them. I mean just the other night at the Brits, Wet Leg announced in their speech that they wanted to ‘F**k the Tories’, or something close to that at least…
So, for all those that have been living under a rock for the last 12 months, I thought I’d run you through the last year in Politics, which History students 100 years from now will cry when given an exam question on.
January
Prime Minister: BoJo
Scandal: Partygate
Ah, Partygate. Surely this should have been a red flag that the Conservatives love a game of Musical Chairs, but alas… We found out over a year ago now that they were having an absolute bender in Number 10 during COVID, and like a teenager who’s just been caught with a bottle of Vodka in their hand, they outright denied the entire thing. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girl boss, I guess?
February
Prime Minister: BoJo
Scandal: Cabinet Reshuffle #1 (Foreshadowing)
Ah, you never forget your first they say, and neither did we. A sign of things to come, but Boris woke up one morning and decided he just didn’t like Mark Spencer as his Chief Whip. I heard he was going to be replaced with a Mr. Tesco, as they didn’t have the budget anymore.
March
Prime Minister: BoJo
Scandal: Rishi’s NI Increase
It was a slow month for the Tories last March, but to be fair to them this was when Vladimir Putin decided to illegally invade Ukraine. Don’t worry though, they still managed to slip in new increases to National Insurance to pay for their ‘precious health service’ (citation needed).
April
Prime Minister: BoJo
Scandal: Porn in Parliament
I mean we’ve all been there, right? About halfway through your workday you get that horrible urge to get off to Tractor related- Pornography right there and then, in the highest chamber of government. No, I’m really not making this up – Neil Parish was in the House of Commons when he was getting freaky with the JCBs on his phone.
I mean I’m not kink shaming, but maybe if it was regular porn, he’d have gotten away with it.
May
Prime Minister: BoJo
Scandal: Local Losses
Turns out a lot of people around the UK aren’t huge fans of Tractor Pornography (and 12 years of Austerity, but who’s counting?) because the Tories lost a record 485 seats in local elections this month.
Oh, and Liz Truss came out saying that she wanted a hard border with Northern Ireland and to get rid of our Brexit deal, because of course she did.
June
PM: BoJo
Scandal: Chris Pincher
There’s really no jokes here, Chris Pincher is a horrific man who sexually assaulted two men after getting drunk at a gentlemen’s club and lost the Conservative Whip.
Oh, and of course the Tories knew about prior allegations of him being a potential abuser.
July
PM: BoJo
Scandal: Cabinet Reshuffle 2: Electric Boogaloo & Bye Bye BoJo
Who’d have thought that there would be backlash for the PM if he protected an abuser in his party?
Well, a few cabinet reshuffles and some resignation letters later, he finally got the hint, gave up his squatter’s rights to number 10 and went home to his wife (or girlfriend, nobodies quite sure anymore).
You’ve got to respect him at least, he did the equivalent of farting and walking away but for the entire country.
August
PM: BoJo (just)
Scandal: The Illusion of Choice
If I gave you the choice between cow turd, and dog turd, it would distract you from the fact that they are both turds. I think Confucius said that once, and I think it perfectly resembles the Conservative Party election between good ol’ Liz and Rishi. Not that anyone could vote on it anyway, unless you were part of the Tory party (and no, not the fun ones they put on the year prior).
September
PM: Liz Truss (Blink and you’ll miss it)
Scandal: Mini-Budget
Never in the history of British Politics has a plan backfired so quickly as Liz Trusses and Kwasi Kwarteng’s Mini Budget. The Pound to Dollar exchange graph would have been the most depressing thing to see the morning after if not for the fact I thought it would make a great Rollercoaster.
All jokes aside, hats off to those guys for tanking an entire economy in 24 hours, real authentic ‘Wall Street 1929’ vibes, cheers.
October
PM: Rishi Sunak
Scandal: PM Outlizzed by Lettuce
The hardest pub quiz question in 50 years’ time. A 10-mark History A-Level question straight from the back-pocket of Satan himself. Who actually was Liz Truss? Beats me, but she was funny to watch for the 6 weeks she was in office at least. That is, if you find the ending of Othello funny…
November
PM: Rishi Sunak
Scandal: I’m a Tory, Get me Out of Here
At this stage, I was completely convinced that not only did we live in a simulation, but that someone had been playing the Sims blindfolded, and we were just watching.
In the wake of the worst pandemic this side of 1918, our Ex-Health Secretary signed up for I’m a Celeb. If anyone had that on their 2022 bingo card, you my friend are a liar and a cheat.
December
PM: Rishi Sunak
Scandal: Strike 1, Strike 2, They’re OUT (hopefully)
Chaos. Everyone is striking. Everyone is sad. Everything is on fire, and the Tories and their best mates that run Fortune 500s are hoarding the water. Nobody can go to school, or get the Train, or go see a Nurse, or go to University, or see a Doctor soon enough, and do you know what?
After 12 months of nightmares and scandals, I don’t blame them really.
