A Modern Day Churchill for a Modern Day War
As an NHS doctor on the front line, the prospect of facing an indefinite Coronavirus crisis is one that fills me with terror. I have already seen colleague and patient alike succumb to this new threat, and have had many harrowing conversations with patients and their relatives.
Fortunately, throughout the ongoing crisis, there has been one warm fuzzy comfort blanket for all us NHS workers in the country, and that is our delightful Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, and his Conservative Government already overdelivering on their promises. Not 6 months ago did they promise 6000 new NHS doctors and 40 new NHS hospitals, but this week, they have announced that they are to increase our numbers by a staggering 4500 in one fell swoop, picked from a pool of both impressively mature and daringly young workers (apparently in an attempt to cancel out in terms of mean age).
If we continue at this breath-taking trajectory, and I can’t see any reason why not, we will see an increase of 45,000 in NHS staff numbers by 2025 over 7 times more than that originally promised and by the year 3000, in something of a Corbynesque wetdream, the entire population will work for the NHS.
Possibly more impressive is the building of the new super hospital, NHS Nightingale at the Exhibition Centre London (ExCeL). When it’s fully operational, it will have 4000 beds, around 2500 of which are thought to be mattresses taken from the streets of East London – supporting the NHS and tackling the homelessness problem, bravo Mr Johnson.
All fears that standards could be lowered though are put aside by the mass acquisition of ventilators from premium electronics brand Dyson, who claim that their ventilators won’t just work well but will also be able to double up by drying and styling hair in mere seconds. I just hope they’re not so loud as to interfere with the ExCeL’s Annual British Weapons Manufacturer Conference so we can continue selling arms to dodgy regimes next door.
And it’s not just new hospitals, existing hospitals are also getting a whack from the good old magic money tree. I am also pleased to write that our hospital has undergone expansion whilst under the current Tory government, with the addition of 2 new wards for our non-COVID patients. Speaking to our inpatients on these wards, the new environment is very welcome, with Mrs Graham, age 81, reporting that ‘it’s nice to have such a breeze coming through the ward, though I wish my bay wasn’t so close to that Ford Mondeo.’
As a doctor at the start of my career, the lessons I am learning from my new Acute Medicine consultant are invaluable; I could never have believed that a front lobal lobotomy would be able to cure female hysteria. I am also privileged to be able to give back to the new generation of doctors that will be imminently starting work under my supervision from my wealth of knowledge experience.
I cannot wait to instil upon them the tricks of the trade; like logging in to an NHS computer in under 7 minutes, using our revolutionary paging system found nowhere else in the world and maintaining social distancing standards whilst working alongside 3 other doctors in a 1.5m squared room. While we do not know what the future holds for our NHS amidst the current corona crisis, we can be reassured that whatever happens, Boris will have our backs as both the leader we need, and more accurately, the leader we deserve.
